A Wish From the Heart

One day, I just couldn’t take it anymore. Life was becoming too hard to bear. I felt I couldn’t take it anymore, so I prayed a prayer I’ve never said before. It went like this…

“God, things are just too hard for me right now. I know you are there and you know I am here. Please give me a sign. Give me a sign to let me know that you love me and you will take care of me.”

Then the day went on. I forgot I prayed this prayer.

I ended up having an awesome day. I haven’t had a day like that before. My husband took me out on a date, bought us some bikes, and ended the day with ice cream.

We want back home and he took a nap. A knock on the door.

It was my neighbor with a handful of daffodils in her hand. She said she’s been meaning to say hi, but haven’t had the chance out of being busy as well as honestly sharing being afraid to reach out. But today, she said that she just had to knock on my door. She had been cooking and was in the middle of things, but she said she just felt she had to drop everything and knock on my door.

She gave me the daffodils. I shared how I was having a hard time.

Then she prayed for me.

A strong wind came out of nowhere as she put her hand on my shoulder to pray for me.

I was amazed.

She gave me a very long healing hug and at that moment, I remembered my prayer earlier that day.

A prayer answered. =)

My eyes became open to everything around me, and I wrote the song below because I was completely inspired by the situation.

A Love Beyond Compare

Sometimes we need a little help from

Those that are round us to lift us up

From the ground, to the sky, then to the sun above

 

I know that our lives may seem like it’s so full

I know that it seems we have so little time

To give thanks, to laugh, to take a break sometimes

 

Look at the trees they just stand right there

Sway with the wind without a little care

So tall, so strong, so faithful to the world

 

Look all around you there’s a glimpse of

Something beyond the things you think of

From a smile, a hug, a love beyond compare

Having Everything I Want

So a very interesting thing has happened to me during the time I decided to simplify my life. I still can’t believe it, but I can honestly say that I have everything I want.

I still can’t help asking myself, “How could it be that I have everything that I want when I’ve decided to simplify my life from all the things I have wanted for as long as I can remember?”

I don’t fully know the answer to that, but I do know, looking back, that all the things that I strived to acquire were actually bringing me a lot of stress and actually more wanting. It was like I could never be satisfied. It was a very interesting thing to realize.

I also realized that I have this immense desire to have everything. So before this realization, I wanted everything and anything, right now. I had a craving, a desire, I had to have it. But the crazy thing is that I came to a point where I asked myself, “Where does it end? When will I be satisfied?” I never got to a happy point. I kept wanting more and I felt like a slave to the need to acquire more. It did not feel good.

So, with the help of God, I decided to do away with the things that I thought I wanted, but in the end, was bringing me nothing but misery, emptiness, and disappointment.

The unbelievable benefits…realizing what I truly want: peace, strength, power, confidence, and true beauty from the inside and out.

I realized I was done with struggling and being short-changed of having everything that I could have.

I realized I deserved more than I was getting. In fact, we all deserve more than the things we are told will give us happiness.

The secret is that what will give you the happiness you truly seek is knowing about the longings of your heart. No thing can replace that and this becomes the purpose of your life…fulfilling the deepest longings of your heart of peace, joy, self-control, and everything that is good and truly beautiful.

The quote that started it all…

The quote that I reflected on for about a whole year was this:

“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” -Jeremiah 29:11 NIV (click on quote to tweet) (click here for quote in picture)

At that time in my life, I felt I was missing something. I felt like I wasn’t living life to the fullest. I had a job, but I wasn’t fulfilled. I was healthy, but I didn’t feel like I was living my purpose. And I was married to the man of my dreams, but yet, I knew our marriage could reach a whole new level we could only imagine of.

So I set out to find that something missing, and then I remembered this quote. This quote is from the Bible and I remember being drawn to it almost 10 years ago. I was drawn to it because it spoke to my real desire for something more. It spoke to my soul knowing that I was meant to do something real in my life. That beginning “For I know the plans I have for you” captured my heart.

I bring it up today because I wanted to share that God did have a plan for me. After a year of thinking of that quote and then following the direction I sense it was leading me to, my life has completely turned around.

I learned that I have real gifts and talents and was born with them for a reason…to use them. I have a knack for writing, speaking, singing, and motivating, and for almost these past two years, I have been working on developing and using those gifts. I feel I’m getting closer to that plan that will give me hope and a future. Now more than ever, I feel like I have meaning and purpose. What I’m supposed to do isn’t crystal clear, but I have a couple of leads in the form of ideas that I’m working on realizing in the world. Lastly, my marriage has reached a whole new level of love and commitment that makes me so happy from the bottom of my heart.

I can’t believe I am where I am right now. It all started with getting to know the big plans God had for me. If you’re interested in learning about His big plans for you, all it takes is a simple conversation with God. When He created you, He had something really amazing in mind. Ask Him what that was and to help you. Through time, you’ll see that the something missing in your life will become filled with more than you can ever imagine.

Third Time’s A Charm

There have been so many changes in my life. So many awesome changes. I feel like I’ve received my third chance at life, and they say the third time’s a charm, so I’m gonna really focus on getting it right this time. I was born in a family that has struggled for many generations. So as a product of growing up in that environment, I grew up a pretty broken person. Not having a secure foundation, I desperately tried to find control and security in anyone and anything. I worked so hard to be perfect on the outside. Very close to perfect grades, popular by high school, thought of as having it together by almost everyone that knew me. Little did they know, I felt empty inside. I hated myself since I did everything to gain approval from the outside, but outside approval never fulfills the approval I needed from myself just as I was. This was definitely not a sustainable way to live, and my life came crumbling down in the first years of college. 

This was a blessing in disguise because I became aware of the destructive life I was living. I wasn’t living my life. I wasn’t living the life I was meant to live. I think many people live like this and don’t know how to stop. I was fortunate this “disaster” in my life happened and also very early in life. I had no choice but to start healing from all the brokenness. I started living for the first time when I started this process. I started relying on church to help me. I received a bunch of healing from that as well as from prayers I’ve received from many people. I started to take time for myself by quitting all these obligations I’ve piled on my schedule to maintain the “everything is okay and I’m in control” facade. I stopped surrounding myself with so many people. I lost friends along the way and became the gossip of a few, but what can I say, there was no other way to do it because I was about to lose my life. I learned that I was important. This was my second chance at life.

I gained health. People noticed. My spirit started to come back to me. I felt it. And I was living again. Actually, it felt like I was living for the first time. I learned how to say no. Actually, “no” started to become one of my favorite words. I started living for me. I started to hate myself less and less because I was being kind to myself and putting myself first instead of everybody else. I listened to my body and mind and gave it what it needed when it wasn’t doing so well. Prior to this, when I felt things weren’t going right, I charged forward any way. I learned I had to take care of myself if I was ever going to take care of anyone else. This is the time I met my husband. I felt truly loved for the first time. He was so loving to me that I actually broke up with him for a day or two because I thought I was getting too much love. I wasn’t used to it. It scared me. I thought it was bad. I had all these aversive feelings to real love because I’ve never really felt it before. I read the book Lovingkindness by Sharon Salzberg, and I happened to read about an orphaned boy who survived the internment camps by not crying when another child was killed or tortured. When he got adopted, he learned the only way to survive was to allow feeling and love back into his life. When I read this, I realized my problem and called my husband to get back together. We’ve been together since.

We got married and started living happily ever after. We both decided to change our careers and go back to school to pursue fields we were passionate about. Life started getting very busy, we moved to a different state, and stopped going to church. Problems started to occur in our lives. For me, I started living life superficially, getting involved in things that I thought were good for me, rationalizing things, always going out, busy, doing something, anything, then I lost my ground and messed up again. Now came the third chance.

I was so desperate and desperate situations either make us question God or get closer to God. I got closer to God. I got my second chance at life because I started going to church and gaining so much strength from what I learned about God. On this third chance, I realized how I messed up. It’s because I lost my connection to God. For me, losing my connection to God meant that I started to seek the peace, pleasure, and happiness from other sources when only God is able to fully provide what I was looking for. This brought a lot of shame, guilt, emptiness, and frustration. I thought I would never get out of it, but I did. I didn’t deserve a new awesome life, but that’s what I got because God is just that good. I’ve become a new person, with a new heart, and a new purpose. I am more alive than ever and ready to make a difference more than ever.

Before the awesomeness came into my life, I did have to take care of some business. I had to ask for forgiveness from God, then I had to accept that forgiveness. The accepting part was the hardest for me because of my pride. I always thought I was self-sufficient and in control, so I didn’t want to accept that I lost control, needed forgiveness, and a fresh start. I prayed to be able to receive the forgiveness and sure enough, I had a change of heart one day and accepted that forgiveness. I asked forgiveness from my parents because I said and did very hurtful and mean things. I forgave all the people who have hurt me in the past. And I asked God to forgive me for all the people I’ve hurt. Some other interesting things that happened was that I gave away three-quarters of my wardrobe, took a social media fast, became vegetarian, and spent a lot of time in solitude. I learned a lot during that period. It centered me and gave me so much new energy for the new things God was going to do in my life. 

Life has sure been an interesting journey, and on this end of things, it’s been a pretty good life so far. I’ve become very convinced that God has a really cool plan for my life. I’m starting to realize the unique gifts and characteristics God has given me and I know it’s meant for something good. In this blog, I’ve written a bunch about pursuing dreams and passions and never giving up. Specifically, to wake up and live because it’s how it’s meant to be. I’m wide awake and I’m ready…third time’s a charm. 

I feel like I’m on top of the world!

Life is so exciting right now. Nothing huge is happening. It’s just that I feel alive. The way I’m feeling right now reminds me of a quote I saved from another blog. It said:

“Life takes on meaning when you become motivated, set goals and charge after them in an unstoppable manner.” -Les Brown

I’ve been having a lot of setbacks lately, but thanks to inspirational bloggers, the bible, and other places I get encouragement and inspiration from, I didn’t let that bring me down. Things have turned around and now I am feeling great. I share this quote because I believe I feel so alive right now because my life has meaning. I am charging after my goals in an unstoppable manner. At my coffee shop job, I decided to stop feeling discouraged by all the mistakes I’m making because I’m a newbie, and instead learn from them and remember why I decided to apply for this job in the first place. It’s because I love people, I love the smell of coffee, and I like being in a laid back setting. Remembering these things helped me get back on track.

I’m also becoming motivated because I’ve started this blog and I have a goal of writing posts that encourage readers to wake up and live because that’s how it’s meant to be. Just several months ago, my life didn’t really have any meaning. I didn’t have goals to charge after. As a result, my energy was pretty low, I would get crabby more often, and come up with things to think about that were not good for me. I was just existing and not living.

I prayed a lot during that time – just having chats with God about what his plans for my life were. What my purpose was and if I could get onto fulfilling that purpose. I felt like God answered my prayers when I got an interview for what I thought was the perfect job for me. Everything was going great (or so I thought). There were even purple flowers in the office of the person that interviewed me. Purple flowers are usually a good luck sign for me. Unfortunately, I didn’t get the job which I thought was perfect for me.

My husband and I visited his uncle and girlfriend. His girlfriend was in the same field I was trying to get into, so I shared my sad news. Her response was surprising because I wasn’t expecting it. She said, “You think this was the perfect job, but maybe there’s something even better out there for you.” I thought that was pretty blunt. I just got news that I didn’t get a job that was sorta like my dream job and you’re not going to give me comfort, etc. I guess I wanted her to feel sorry for me, but she didn’t feel sorry for me at all. As I thought about it a little more, those words she said were correct. There was something better out there for me. I’m still searching for it, but I’m coming across many perfect situations that I wouldn’t have come across if I got that job.

For starters, I’m working at a coffee shop that I’m really enjoying. I’m getting to chat with some awesome customers, but the more awesome thing is that I’m getting to know such inspirational co-workers who are pursuing what they are passionate about while working at the coffee shop. I’m getting to know a film writer, a photographer, someone who is starting two businesses, and I’m sure there are more cool things people are doing and we just haven’t had the chance to talk about it yet.

I’m also doing singing and songwriting around the topic of my blog title. When you start doing things you love, you truly come to life. Yes, I feel like I’m on top of the world. Not because I’ve won the lottery or got a raise (or whatever else makes most people feel on top of the world). I feel great because I’m simply living again. I feel that’s what we all truly want. To feel alive…

Hope for my future

I had a really cool revelation today. I’ve been thinking about my future and what I’m going to do with my life. So far, a typical 9-5 office job is not working out for me. I work at a coffee shop, and I love it, but I know I should be doing something in addition to that. Today a bible verse I’ve always loved came to mind. It’s the one that says God knows the plans he has for us and those plans are for us to prosper, not to harm us, and to give us hope and a future. That line is the one most quoted, but I looked up the rest of it and it continues on saying that when we seek God with all our heart, we will find him.

Today, I feel an angel helped me realize a couple of things. I felt I got a prayer answered for what was bothering me. Now that I have to support myself, I no longer get student loans anymore, I’ve started to worry about money. That’s why I jumped into taking the office job because I needed money; however, that job did not work out for me at all because it just wasn’t the right fit for me. “Wasn’t the right fit for me” are the key words. I’ve realized I have certain qualities for a reason, certain desires, and certain things that really appeal to me. 

The bible verse I mentioned has now become very relevant in my life because the insight I received into my situation was that God has a plan for me and it’s a good plan too. One where I will be successful, have hope, and a future. Another bible verse that came to me is the one where it says to seek God first and everything else you need will follow. I’ve realized that I stopped seeking God first. I was seeking myself first. How I need money to pay for food, shelter, and other necessities. My dreams took a backseat because to me, to be able to buy these things were more important that the yearnings and dreams in my heart. But from Julia Cameron’s The Artist Way she wrote something that really spoke to me. She says that “Our creative dreams and yearnings come from a divine source. As we move toward our dreams, we move toward our divinity.”

So putting all these things together, I need to trust what’s in my heart to lead me to what I’m meant to do on earth. What I’m naturally drawn to, what I can’t stop thinking about, what I can’t conceive of myself not doing in life is what I’m supposed to be doing. Ella Fitzgerald said something really awesome. She said, “Just don’t give up trying to do what you really want to do. Where there is love and inspiration, I don’t think you can go wrong.” I’ll take it one step at a time then, and I feel all the details will work themselves out. 

Lunch with Bill

I just finished having lunch with my friend, and then I came across Bill. Bill was an older guy and he looked homeless. I asked him how he was doing and he said he needed something to eat. I didn’t have enough cash on me for him to be able to buy a whole meal, so I asked him if I could buy his lunch for him. He said that would work for him. Then I asked him where he wanted to eat. He said at the Chinese Restaurant across the street. I said okay. It was a bit awkward when the hostess asked us if we were going to dine it or get take out, but Bill said dine in. I didn’t want him to dine alone, so I asked him if I could join him. I thought it would be weird for me to just sit there and have nothing to eat, so I ordered myself a meal as well. I was already super full from just stuffing myself at the vegan restaurant across the street, but I just felt it was the right thing to do.

Bill was really cool to have lunch with. We chatted about weather, he talked a bit about himself, and I talked a bit about myself. We looked up our Chinese zodiac signs and chatted about that a bit. We chatted about pretty much whatever came to mind. It was a nice lunch. =)

I’ve been reaching out to people lately and one thing I’ve wanted to do was actually have lunch with someone who was homeless, so I was glad I was able to have lunch with Bill. I got this idea after wanting to connect more with everyone, not just people I know or people like me, but people are who marginalized as well. In the bible, there would be sections that talk about not just inviting your friends to things like these, but also people who can’t pay you back in return. I also just watched the documentary The Human Experience by Grassroots films and it chronicles the main actors spending time with people who are different from themselves. It starts off with two brothers living homeless for a week with a group of other homeless men. It was so cool to see them interact with people who are homeless just like you would hang out with a buddy. That was inspiring and I want to continue to find ways to get to know different people.

My background is in social work, but what I liked about this lunch is that I wasn’t there to help him. I wasn’t there to give him advice or provide charity. It’s a human right to have food to eat when you are hungry. The money I used is really not mine at all. Ever since my life turned around, I look at everything I have as God’s and that I’m just a manager of what I have to make his awesome plans happen. The plan today was to provide Bill with food to eat because he was hungry.

Had a great day!

So I had a great day yesterday! I haven’t had a day like that in a while. I started the day off having hot white chocolate with loads of whip cream and a warm blackberry scone. I browsed online and read some inspiring blogs. I like going to http://www.marcandangel.com/ whenever I need some encouragement. And sure enough, I was encouraged. I read inspiring messages about achieving your dreams and not settling for anything less. About how to be yourself and live simple and happy. I just love reading good messages like that because it reminds me how to live a happy and healthy life. I also helped a stranger, went to my doctor’s appointment and learned nothing serious was wrong with my neck that has been hurting more and more, and after the doctor’s appointment, I stopped by World Market and just explored all the things they have in there. It felt like an adventure. I brought some cool trinkets home: two turkish peach votive candles, hearts on a string from India, a cool journal with an elephant on the cover, a gift for my husband which was wall decor with his favorite bird on it and the artist signature was his name and the initial of his last name (this one was just too perfect!), and a book called Why Now Is The Time To Crush It! by Gary Vay Ner Chuk. Lastly, I stopped by the store and bought some goodies to snack on which included Grandma’s brand peanut butter cookies, which I love! When I got home, I burned the votive candles, turned all the lights off, and had my snacks and an early dinner. Oh and I also played some world music from India to set the mood. It was just such a cool day!

Although it doesn’t sound like I did anything really awesome, it was a really great day for me and I’m celebrating that because I haven’t been happy these past couple of weeks. I’m normally an energetic and happy person, but I guess my situation with my jobs and finding my purpose in life and doubting if I have one or if I will ever find my purpose was bringing me down. I guess how could it not bring anyone down. I was having such a good day that I wondered what changed it all. And then from somewhere, I forgot exactly where, probably my daily devotional book called Unto the Hills by Billy Graham, I read a quote from the bible that said something like “There may be weeping for a night, but shouts of joy come in the morning!” Oh boy did shouts of joy come in the morning. I think just the night before I was crying and asking God why my life was so boring and hard and not fun. You see, I recently became a Christian again and had some working on myself to do. I was super caught up in consuming everything and anything I wanted, got myself in money problems because of that, as well as a whole bunch of spiritual and moral problems. When I came back to the faith, I felt in my body that I had to change many of my habits. I went through sorta like a detox phase. I decided to become vegetarian, and then I fasted from many things that had become distractions rather than things that complemented my life. These things that I had to fast from were facebook, browsing online, checking email all the time, checking my phone all the time, watching tv, organizing my social networking group, people pleasing, snacks, appetizers, side dishes, desserts, buying the latest fashion trends, and buying anything and everything I wanted. It may sound like I was being a bit extreme, but believe me I had to because I had no self-control. I realized how much I became so dependent on these things because when I fasted from these things, I had such a difficult time. Because of that, I knew I had to take a break from these things to find myself.

When I took a break from these things, I heard my thoughts again and my heart. I felt like a huge burden was lifted off of my shoulders. I felt calm. I had so much free time. It gave me the opportunity to get back to myself and figure out what I needed and what I wanted to get out of my life. And indeed, I found myself again and am beginning to figure out what my purpose in life is. Yesterday was when I got back to allowing the things I fasted from back into my life. I was a bit scared because I didn’t want it to consume all my life again, but when I decided to start this blog, get back online, and have little healthy indulgences here and there, I felt a sense of peace about it. Prior to getting a better sense of myself and my life’s direction, whenever I wanted these things it was more to act as a block in my life than to add to my life. It was when I felt anxious, scared, or worried that I wanted to spend, go online, or eat beyond belief. I reached out for them in order to get away from myself than come back to myself. Yesterday when I allowed myself to have a good time, it was because I felt good and I wanted it to complement those good feelings. =)

Searching for my purpose

Right now, I’m searching for my purpose in life. I know deep down inside that I have a purpose for my life. I have just graduated from school, got offered some jobs, and have accepted it; however, things aren’t working as I wished they would. The jobs that I accepted run down my spirit–I come out of the office exhausted, drained, and feeling helpless. I decided to put in my two weeks notice because that is not how a job is meant to be. I understand that so many people just put up with that type of job, in fact, I think the majority of people do. Well-meaning friends tell me, “That’s just how it is…If you want to make money, that’s what you have to do.” See, I don’t buy into that kind of thinking. I was just reading a sample of a book called The Art of Non-Conformity by Chris Guillebeau as well as other books from people who write about the same thing and these authors as well as many other people have decided not to buy into the “That’s just how it is” thinking. It’s not just how it is.

You see, I’ve always had this fire me in that refuses to be just like everyone else, refuses to follow the crowd. I’m so glad I have this in me because if not, it would’ve been so easy for me to follow “everyone else.” I don’t think it’s bad to follow; however, if it is following something you don’t believe in, following something that you feel that is not right in your heart, then I think there is a big problem. If it is following for the sake of avoiding making hard decisions or changes in your life, then I think it’s an unfortunate way to live. Lately, I’ve had this strong conviction not to fall into finding a job just to say that I’ve found a job and can make money. Now, this is where my faith helps me. I understand that I have to make money in order to buy food, have housing, and other necessities, but I believe I don’t have to sacrifice my life in order to have the things I need. You see, if I stayed at the job I just gave my two weeks notice to, then my spirit would eventually die. It was in the process of doing so. My husband has been noticing that I’ve been different lately. That I haven’t been as happy and energetic like I normally am. In fact, he called me a “blob.” Even my boss at that job asked me if anything was wrong because I wasn’t acting like myself. After a couple of days, I finally admitted to myself that the job wasn’t a good fit and it was bringing me down. Thankfully, I have a very loving and considerate husband. He backed up my decision to quit the job.

Now for the issue of needing to make money in order to help pay for what I need in life. I’ve start reading the bible lately, and I’ve never realized how much help is in that book until recently. I’ve really come to understand the writings in there about not worrying. The bible says that God takes care of the birds who don’t sow and reap, which I looked up in the dictionary and it means that they don’t plant seeds and then gather the crop. Pretty much to me that means that don’t even work and God takes care of them. And then it goes on to say that to God, we are more important than birds, so of course he’ll take care of our needs as well. =) Now I feel that doesn’t mean that I can just sit around and do nothing. What I’ve also learned is that God created me for a purpose. That he has a good plan for my life, now that’s where I am right now. I’m trying to learn what God’s plan for my life is.

Yesterday I was listening to a Christian radio station and the person speaking was this motivational speaker named Nick Vujicic. I decided to look him up and read his biography. He was born with no arms and legs. He felt that God definitely couldn’t have a purpose for his life, but after struggling with his disability and then finding God, he learned that he did have a purpose. He is now a motivational speaker that speaks all around the world and even speaks for Congress. I read a daily devotional book called Unto The Hills by Billy Graham and today’s reading was just what I needed to hear. It was how God has a purpose for my life and that he is preparing me for that purpose and the timing of its realization would be perfect because God’s timing is perfect. This just shows to me how God really knows what was in my heart. I was worrying about what my purpose was and if it was ever going to know what it was. You see even if I have come to know God, I still worry sometimes. I forget God’s promises and have to be reminded, but he knows this that’s why he sends us messages just when we need it. I needed to hear that this morning and now I can go on again being rest assured that as I type right now, God is preparing me for the purpose he created for only me to do in this world. I can’t wait for that day. For now, I will wait patiently and take one day at a time and know that each day is preparing me and bringing me closer to my purpose. =)

Hello

Hi everyone,

I decided to create this blog because I wanted to share what I’ve learned the past couple of months. Long story short, my life had literally turned around. I was making bad decisions in life and had no jobs, I was starting to fall into a depression. I almost hit rock bottom, and then my life changed. I was offered jobs, my family life improved, and I became a new person with a new perspective. What changed my life was learning about God. Now I know this may turn some people off, but don’t worry, I’m not going to preach in this blog and say scary things that you don’t understand. I’m gonna write from my heart and share what I’ve learned from my heart. If you don’t believe in God, hopefully you can have an open heart and read what I have to say. If you do believe in God already, then this just affirms how loving and kind God is. =)

Jlove12